Mama (2013, 100 minutes)
Guillermo del Toro. One of the most overrated filmmakers ever. He didn’t direct Mama, but he served as its executive producer so I blame him for this mess.
Mama tips its hand way to early by revealing that yes something supernatural is going on. What follows is a predictable reveal coupled with predictable scares and horrible acting from everyone, including overrated sensation Jessica Chastain.
Is it that fucking hard to make a decent horror movie? Or a decent movie at all? Where the fuck is the imagination and creativity? Fuck you del Toro. Fuck the companies that birth shit like Mama. And fuck the people who pay to watch this shit — the same people who defend Mama and V/H/S as great examples of horror and filmmaking originality. Are your expectations that low?
1/4* out of ****
The Day (2011, 87 minutes)
My wife and I saw this for sale at Best Buy and made the obligatory Lord Of The Rings jokes. We wanted to watch it to see how bad it could be, but we didn’t want to pay for it.
That evening we found that it was on Fearnet! Imagine our mutual surprise!
It gets even better!
It’s brought to us by WWE Studios!
Oh no, we thought. What WWE so-called superstar is in this? Randy Orton? The Miz?
We didn’t find one sports entertainer in this mediocre post-apocalyptic rehash of Night Of The Living Dead sans zombies.
There’s nothing really wrong with The Day, but there’s nothing extraordinary about it. Ashley Bell shines as the quiet and damaged badass. The atmosphere is wrought with filth and the ever present pall of death. However, the movie’s 87 minute running time, at times, felt like 24 hours.
And does Shannyn Sossamon have to be topless in every movie she’s in?
** out of ****
James Bloom is losing his sight. Bad timing because someone is murdering those closest to him. A ring of death spirals down to the center where Bloom waits for the final stab!
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“I am not lying down on somebody’s grave.”
“No. Why are we out here anyway?”
“Because it’s fun.”
“Come on, babe. Watch. I’ll go first.”
“See. I’m lying on somebody’s grave and I’m okay.”
“You shouldn’t mess with evil forces.”
“I’m not messing with evil forces.”
“You’re lying on somebody’s grave. That’s bad luck.”
“Don’t be so superstitious. Okay. Your turn.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Are you scared?”
“Yes. Can we go now? I’m getting bit up by mosquitos.”
“Come on, babe. Just lay down for three seconds.”
“If I do this, then will you never ask me to do anything ever again?”
“I thought we were coming out here to make love. And all you want to do is lay on graves? Real romantic.”
“We’ll get in trouble if we do it out here.”
“Okay? You’ll do it?”
She sat on the ground.
“Three seconds,” she told him.
She laid down.
“One,” she said.
“Two,” he said.
“Three,” she said rather quickly.
She got up.
“Okay,” she said. “Let’s go home.”
“There’s something on your back.”
“Shut up. There’s not.”
“Yes, there is.”
“You’re not fooling me.”
“Come on. It was just a joke.”
“Don’t quit your day job.”
Copyright 2014 Erik Handy
Final Fantasy II
(played on the Playstation Final Fantasy Originsgame)
Rebels fight the villain who’s unleashed monsters on the land in this complete disappointment.
This game has a much more elaborate storyline than its predecessor. The characters are pretty one-note, but at least they have character.
The monsters are unique, surreal, and quite disturbing. That’s where the Final Fantasy series shines, in its bestiary. I didn’t cringe whenever I had a random encounter because I wanted to see what creep (or band of creeps) I’d have to fight. No, I cringed for an entirely different reason . . . .
Final Fantasy II is unplayable due to its convoluted and not fun leveling system. In most Final Fantasy games, leveling the characters up is simple: just fight enemies. Here, you have to hone a particular skill. For instance, if you want someone to be proficient in using an ax in battle, they have to use an ax in battle . . . over and over and over. Magic users have it worse as they have to use their spells (which cost Magic Points) over and over to make them stronger.
This system allows a cheat of sorts, but the cheat is a time-drain that does nothing to inspire me to continue playing. I quit and have no desire to ever pick this up again.
ZERO stars out of ****
Batman Begins (2005, 140 minutes)
Batman Begins balances realism and superhero fantasy perfectly. I believe someone like Batman can exist in the world that this movie portrays. In our world . . . of course, it would be silly, but it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility.
What separates this movie from previous Batman movies is that this is a real movie with real actors. That’s not to say the others weren’t. Well, except for Batman & Robin. I mean that Batman Begins is a movie first, superhero movie second with real actors who actually act and a director who actually directs. Since all involved take the subject matter serious, I have little choice but to do the same.
Some die hard fans may not like the changes made to the origin of their beloved hero. Oh, well. Get over it. This is simply one interpretation. Soon there’ll be another for nerds to complain about. Get over it.
Batman Begins is a great movie that never fails to satisfy.
***1/2 out of ****